Monday, July 2, 2018

Is Fred in the Refrigerator? A Book Review

For quite some time I've toyed with the idea of writing book reviews on Genuinely Speaking. I finally decided there's no better time than the present, especially when a college friend comes out with her second book.
If you've ever read a blog post of mine and enjoyed it, you will love Is Fred in the Refrigerator? Taming OCD and Reclaiming My Life by Shala Nicely. Shala genuinely speaks in her memoir, baring her soul in an effort to advocate for others who struggle with mental illness.

In this book Shala exposes her self - not just her feelings and emotions - but her true essence, and all the demons and rogues she battles throughout her life. While her story seems hopeless at times, a steady, confident undercurrent of triumphant hope prevails. Shala takes us on a personal journey of desperation from her childhood through adulthood when she finally receives a diagnosis only to continue battling a disorder that robs her life. It's a twisty-turny freak show ride of unfair circumstances from the very first chapter, and it'll keep you on the edge of your seat wondering what happens next. I read this book in two days, unable to put it down to find out how she truly did reclaim her life.

I met Shala at the University of Illinois when we joined the same sorority.
I remember Shala and her slight southern drawl, intrigued that someone outside the Land of Lincoln chose to become a Fighting Illini. The topmost image that comes to my mind when I think of her is overachieving success: accomplished student, actively involved with other clubs on campus, holding down a part time job, scoring a coveted internship at Disney, landing a great marketing job out of college, and always, always with a bright smile on her shy face.  

While everyone in our sorority surely admired her for her sunny disposition and unwavering commitment to academic excellence, a demonic voice tortured her, casting long, gloomy shadows on her beloved happy place. In the book she juxtaposes her experience on campus with my time at U of I as recounted in my post Ring Ching Ching where I talk about finding my home of the coolest, laid back group of friends to make a large university feel a little smaller. Shala's time there proved much different as her evil "salesman" tormented her constantly, hijacking her authentic college experience. 

I put my friend's book down and sobbed after reading the chapter "Sun and Shadows" and lay awake that night in disbelief at her reality. How did I not know? While Shala and I weren't best friends in college, she was definitely more than just an acquaintance to me. How did I miss the fact that she struggled so hard? 

It was because Shala mastered the art of deception. Even her senior year roommate and fellow sorority sister didn't know the torture she endured on a daily basis, because as a young child Shala perfectly followed the rule her monster created in her mind: that she could never tell anyone about her darkest thoughts, or all the horrifying images her creative oppressor placed in her mind would come true, her family and friends would be destroyed, and it would be all her fault. 

So instead she overachieved with a constant drive for perfection and became a wildly successful adult. 

Or did she?

Read this book to find out. Chances are you or someone you know struggles with mental health. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder stars as the villain in this book, along with its cousin Body Dismorphic Disorder and a sprinkling of Depression. The stories in the book and the medical information so intricately woven throughout provide hope not just for the author, but for everyone. 

It's universal in its ultimate message, because we all struggle mentally at some point in time. I kept google open and learned something new with every chapter, not to mention a few authors I intend to check out for my own self-improvement. A consummate professional, Shala quickly answered my own questions regarding mental health. As I shared before, Kahley struggles with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Shala's insight proved most helpful for some questions I had regarding her ongoing treatment. 

Without giving everything away, I'll tell you this: I am going to reunite with this girl. We are going to hug it out so hard, have ourselves a good cry, and then I'm going to take her by the hand to the nearest couch with a TV in front of it. We're going to eat buttered popcorn while we watch throwback "Must See TV" and movies from the early '90s as we discuss life, dreams, goals, and how to be our best selves.

It's a reunion I am so looking forward to.


Is Fred in the Refrigerator? Taming OCD and Reclaiming My Life by Shala Nicely is available for sale on Amazon in print or in downloadable format here.

Friday, May 25, 2018


It's that time of year again.
All around us, High School seniors are graduating. Many of the mothers of these children find themselves a ball of hormonal emotions, insides all tangled up as they pour over slideshows capturing their children set to the soundtrack of their lives, rendering them useless as they collapse in the fetal position. Or snarf a bag of potato chips. Or down a bottle of wine. Or all three at the same time.
It's not sadness, not exactly. I liken it to more of a melancholic nostalgia, or a yearning of all the years leading up to this milestone in life, and a desire to hit pause on certain moments in time. It's a teeter totter ride topping at pure euphoria from the moment they were born with a quick descent into the here and now that we've all grown used to, but will never look the same again. With many of our kids leaving home soon, we realize that our daily landscape is about to change dramatically. No longer will they couch potato-it when we walk in the door after work or errands. They won't bound in with endless energy after school to tell us about their day. We won't know with a single glance whether they're feeling good or bad, need a cup of coffee or a nap, have something thrilling to tell us or just got the wind knocked out of them. Life as we know it is ending. And we don't know what the future will hold for these creatures we helped grow, nurture and love, so it's a little bit scary. How do we cope?
We look back, and we reflect. We think of times to which we'd like to return, if only for a minute, to recapture some of that nostalgia. Perhaps we've an urge to hit rewind and sniff our baby's head, just one more time.
Or snatch up their freshly bathed budda belly for one more bedtime snuggle...
...or spend a day lost in imaginative play encouraging their very best version of weird.
We think back to the first of many lessons in rejections, when they learned the meaning of the word "NO."
And to the countless days of drudgery that we might have overlooked as ordinary, but in reality they were filled with beautiful glimpses of the extraordinary.

We also remember with gratitude the seemingly unimportant encounters...
...and pause to realize just how lucky we are for so many overlooked, unseen opportunities we've had to share these little people with others who continue to shape their lives.
We recall those first days of separation and how for some of us, our hearts ripped wide open because they left for a greater portion of the day for preschool or kindergarten.  
It made us sad to close one chapter - the one where we spent every waking moment with them - but let's be real, people.
Did you wish for a break during those endless days when you were lucky to get your ass out of yoga pants? Be honest. You were happy for a few hours to yourself, to take a crap with nobody watching, and to sit on that couch with an extra cup of coffee while you heard yourself actually breathe for the first time in years.

Their entrance to real school gave us an opportunity - time. Time to rededicate ourselves to something we took joy in before every ounce of our free time and energy was devoted to raising tiny humans.
But our dreams of writing novels and starting new hobbies were quickly dashed as we sat with them nightly to help with homework, agonizing over how simple multiplication tables morphed into a vortex of abstract theory since our own days of roaming the elementary school halls.

As they grew so did their problems, and we helped them navigate through them, handing over more and more responsibility for them to take care of their own issues along the way.
We drove them to practices, and maybe had a moment when we dropped them off for the last time. We worked hard to shape and form ideal childhoods, hopefully with some hard knocks mixed in so they aren't leaving us as entitled snowflakes.

I speak from a bit of experience, having already gone through this with my firstborn. And I'm here to tell you that there's no right or wrong way to traverse this transition. You might have bawled through your kid's entire senior year, and that's OK. Maybe Pomp and Circumstance isn't forever ruined for you, so you well up during the ceremony with images of preschool graduation swimming in your mind - totally cool. Maybe seeing your baby dressed up like a real grown up for prom did it for you.
Photo by Capture the Canvas Photography, Minooka, IL
Photo by Capture the Canvas Photography, Minooka, IL

Also fine. It's all fine.

But if you're like me and none of those things get you, then take a listen (skip the ad after a few seconds).

Go ahead. Torture yourself. Click that link.

Maybe you'll hear this song in the car at the Trader Joe's parking lot ten weeks after you drop your kid off at college while the world crashes down on you like a ton of bricks in a hail storm, and you'll miss him so hard your heart physically hurts.

So there's the proof that I don't feel - I feel plenty. I just know that my perspective is different. I focus on the next - perhaps too much - versus the here and now. Or maybe in this case my here and now level of melancholic nostalgia is mixed with so much gratitude and pride and relief and hopefulness for the future that my sadness meter is out of whack.

I am excited to see what the future holds. I know it's going to be fun and bumpy to see what he does.

It's also exciting to see what I will do.

Parents, we are embarking upon a period of rebirth. Obviously our graduating seniors move forward after this weekend - it's all we've been thinking about for the past year, and it's what we've worked toward for the past eighteen. Our kids will set forth upon a new course, one that follows nothing like the only schedule they've ever known. New choices, new opportunities, new adventures and new experiences await them.

The exact same lies in store for us. What kinds of new choices will you make now that you're an empty nester, or minimally that one of your kids is out of the house? What new opportunities will you tackle now that you have a dollop of time returned to your life? What new adventures and experiences will you make a priority?

It's not just about the kids. It's entirely about us as well, and how we will move forward. Just like when we brought them home from the hospital, scared that the "What to Expect" book might have missed a step in responsibly raising another human into a respectable creature, we now are terrified all over again. Did we do it right? Will they remember to use their manners? Will they eat vegetables and brush their teeth? Will they be respectful, and kind, and do great things?

Yes. They will do it all. And they'll make mistakes, and so will we. We'll worry too much, call too much, not call enough, nag too much, and generally continue screwing up this parenting thing.
But they'll come home grateful for us, with a deeper appreciation for what we've done and continue to do for them. Our relationships with them will evolve into a maturity that quite possibly is just as beautiful and emotionally gratifying as holding their infant body in our arms as we sniffed their baby heads.

Hang on, compadres. Change is coming, and it'll all work out. Think about how you too now enter a phase of rebirth, and consider how you'll transform into the middle aged adult you want to be.


Thursday, April 12, 2018

California Dreamin'

On New Years Day, I discussed with close friends how Spring Break 2018 is likely the last time our family of four will vacation together. Kahley is studying abroad next spring, and when she's a senior I highly doubt she's going to want to spend her break with those who require a 10:15 pm bedtime.

I seriously considered a cruise. It would be good for the kids to see other countries and explore the edges of their comfort zones a bit, not to mention the fixed cost. But based on our quick honeymoon nearly 25 years ago, I'm not a fan of the herding and lineup components. "MANDATORY safety talk! Pick your dinner time! Wait in this line to board! Wait over here to disembark! Stand there to come back aboard!"

Ick. Not to mention hundreds of people in close quarters. Hello, norovirus.

I'm always and forever a fan of Southern California, but I've traveled to Orange County at least six times. Would another trip to the golden state prove ho-hum? The kids really wanted a beach vacation in warmer weather, and they chose California over Florida. So with Florida out and the cruise option losing steam, our friend Rick highly recommended San Diego. "Hollie, the girls and I went there several years ago. Hands down, it was our favorite vacation ever. With your kids at the age they are, you're going to love it."

San Diego won, and I'm so glad it did. Our stay proved the perfect balance of relaxation with mild adventuring, and toasty afternoons in bathing suits followed by sweaters and jackets in the evenings.

Memories from this trip that make me smile -

Playing volleyball with Jake on the ocean beach. I'm not so spry anymore, and I might have mentioned to the family that I once played on the varsity volleyball team in high school. I might have repeated it 23 times just to be sure everyone got it.

While we played, a drama unfolded nearby leaving Tony and Kahley wondering if they should call homeland security. A family with three or four boys lounged nearby, and the boys buried one of their brothers in the sand, complete with just enough water to cement him firmly into the beach. The littlest hooligan dumped sand all over his face, while another waterboarded him with buckets of ocean water. The kid was positively hysterical - I would have been looking for murder! At least when the CIA tortures prisoners they use fresh water. Oh and the parents? Sitting nearby, drinks in hand, 100% unconcerned.

Walking. Biking. Running. If you want a healthy lifestyle, move to San Diego. We enjoyed walking along the Sail Bay boardwalk every morning, then strolling back on the ocean boardwalk while we sipped hot coffee and nibbled on decadent pastries (hi, vacation). I clocked at least 7 miles every day; sometimes even more. We hopped aboard the bikes that came with our house, and explored even further than our immediate surroundings. A bike is key in San Diego, and the good news is that they're a dime a dozen.

Touring the USS Midway.
Fairly high up on Mr. Musky's vacation bucket list, I think we're all glad we climbed aboard the ship, walked through the entire exhibit, and learned a little something new.
We certainly have a newfound appreciation for our midshipmen and the tight quarters they live and work in on a daily basis.
San Diego is definitely a military flight town, so guess what movie we watched one night? Hell yeah, Great Balls of Fire. Top Gun is just a little bit better when you're watching it in town, sipping on a glass wine, with the windows open and the salty air wafting through gauzy sheers over the windows.
And that volleyball scene? We enjoyed watching our own personal version of twenty-something males play on the bay beach a couple of days. #sixpacksarenice

We visited San Diego's world famous zoo, toured the city on the Old Town Trolley, and ubered to La Jolla to check out low tide. Guess which was my favorite? The one that cost us zilcho!
I could have spent the entire day on the coast of La Jolla, but our guys aren't super into that.
I'll be back someday to sit there, meditate, journal, peer into a few more tide pools, soak in that gorgeous Cali sun, and hang out with these fellas.
I love a sandy beach, but the rocky ones offer so much exploring and intrigue.
I'm not done with La Jolla quite yet.
Nor is my girl. I could tell.
Perhaps my best memories of this trip will be the quiet ones as a family, watching the sunset, along with just a smattering of others enjoying the view.
Can you spy the yogis? And the passed out dude?
From the first night we arrived we were on the beach minutes after unpacking, and we walked back several nights after dinner to unwind as the the sun sank into the horizon.
Mr. Musky entertained us as he attempted to master the waves.
Did I mention that San Diego can be chilly in March? He was freezing. If you want blazing hot sun then go to Florida or the desert. But if 65-70 mild degrees and making your kids bust a gut is your jam, then San Diego's it.
The bayside beach might be the most underrated locale in the Mission Beach area. Our rental home sat all of 30 steps from this beach, and since the buildings blocked the chilly breezes it warmed up quite nicely. We walked out there with a beach chair and a beverage in hand, and easily went back to the house to reload or grab a book.
Turns out there's an equal amount of kiddie torture going on over there too - we watched a gaggle of brats whipping sand in one another's faces while hurling insults back and forth. My kids would have been drug by the ear to their rooms if that were the case back in the day. Today's vacationing parents must be way more chill than me!

In the end, San Diego proved the perfect vacation destination for this time in our lives. Given that another 15 inches of snow is on its way to the Northwoods this weekend, we will be back, and maybe these rugrats will even be able to leave their demanding jobs and lives to join us for a few days. I sure hope so.
Until then, I'm California Dreamin'.


Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Advice to a 16 Year Old Boy

Today I opened our shared drive looking for a recipe from my grandmother for Pork Chops in Mushroom Gravy Sauce. It involves a couple of cans of sludge, er...condensed soup...and I want to create an updated, healthier version of a traditional favorite.

That is, if heavy cream can be considered healthy.

If you want to see how it turns out, check back with Apéritif Friday in a few weeks to see if my 2018 version becomes blog worthy.

In the meantime though, in searching our files for the recipe, I came across a document titled "Jake Advice." Ironically, I've been thinking about penning some words of wisdom for him in the coming months to share before he embarks upon that life-altering experience known as college life. I shared some advice with his sister a few years ago, and in the spirit of trying to keep things equal for the second born who naturally gets the shaft when it comes to parental attention (I'm the baby of the family myself. I know these things. Where's my baby book, Mom?), this is one thing I'll follow through with.


Today's distraction leading me down the rabbit hole proved worthy of sharing with you all. In the fall of 2016, Ms. Hornik, Jake's junior year AP English teacher, asked the parents to complete a little homework assignment as they studied Hamlet by William Shakespeare. She encouraged us to read a passage between Polonius, a concerned father, and his son, Laertes, who is headed off to Paris. Polonius shares some sage advice with his son, and Ms. Hornik asked the parents of her students: "What advice would you like to share with your son or daughter today?"

God love you, Shakespeare, for your timeless soliloquies. I can just see Laertes rolling his eyes while his concerned father drones on like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon. Mu wha wha wha wha...

Fellow Gen Xer Parents know exactly what I'm talking about.

I geek out over these types of requests and take them very seriously. I read and reread the advice from Polonius, then surely made good ole Will shudder with my own words to my modern-day teenager. That's all right. I love this kid and can't wait to see what happens next with him.

October 30, 2016

Dear Jake:

As Polonius provides unsolicited advice to Laertes prior to his departure to France, I’ve been tasked with providing you some advice at this time in your life. You’re on the cusp of great things, and sometimes a little Mom nag in your ear can’t hurt.
  1. Don’t be an asshole.
  2. If something feels wrong in your gut or in your head, it probably is. Avoid it.
  3. You’re laid back and chill. Use it to your advantage in stressful situations. Calm other people down. They’ll come to you as a natural leader because you know things aren’t life or death – until they are life or death. Then you’ll be the one to administer the Heimlich or call 911.
  4. Influence people by debating passionately. Not by fighting. If you have to fight with someone to see your side of the argument, you’ll never sway them.
  5. Smile. Yours is heart melting, and you’ll win hearts-a-many just by crinkling your eyes and turning up the corners of your mouth.
  6. Be open to new ideas and new ways of thinking, at least until you’re 30.
  7. Push yourself out of your comfort zone and take some risks. Even if it means you fail. You’ll never know how awesome something might be unless you try.
  8. I love that you’re comfortable at home doing the things you love, but challenge yourself to engage socially with others. You’ll have to do that for the rest of your life, so you might as well start now.
  9. Be the one to make plans. Ask a friend to hang out. Go to the movies with someone. Invite some buddies over for a video game tournament.
  10. When all else fails, revert to # 1 and everything else will fall into place as it should. 

In closing, as cheesey as it sounds, I personally love Polonius’ final word of advice. “This above all: To thine own self be true.” There may be no better words of parental wisdom ever written to a child, except this:

Don’t be an asshole.

I love you,


Thursday, December 7, 2017

On Swearing

Last week I started a post about the best Mac-n-Cheese you'll ever make. I ended up like Alice in the rabbit hole, and realized I needed to cut it short and continue my commentary over here. I appreciate a well timed swear - a girlfriend of mine can whip them out and make grown men shudder with her filthy mouth - I've seen it multiple times over.

All this to say? I've got some stories to share about swearing.

One day when I was five years old, I walked home from my Grandma Kahling's house, which was about 100 yards up the hill in our neighborhood. As I ambled along, I heard a neighbor call out in frustration as his wrench clattered to the garage floor while he worked on his car. "God Damnit!" he shouted.

A connection took root in my mind. A few days later I tried it out myself when my Radio Flyer wouldn't budge through the garage service door. I yanked at that wagon, knowing full well if I aligned it perfectly it would slide right out onto the sidewalk. But the temptation to use my newfound words of aggression were too overwhelming. "God Damnit!" I growled.

Little did I know, my mother had the windows open and before I could adjust the wagon and tighten my pigtails for another futile tug, she had me by my ear in the bathroom.

I avoided eye contact with her, because while I didn't really know, I had an inkling.
"Um, something bad?"

She didn't just plop a bar of soap in my mouth. Nope - I wasn't as lucky as Ralphie. She soaped that bar of Irish Spring to a sudsy lather and jabbed it in and out of my mouth ten times before stopping - just shy of the moment I puked.

It was a really long time before I ever swore again.

My brother didn't learn from my mishap. A few weeks later, he got caught uttering the f-bomb.
Our dad snarled at him, "How many letters are in that word, son?"
"F-f-f-f-four," he stuttered.
"And that's how many cracks you're getting on your backside from this belt."
Four resounding slaps of leather on baby butt skin later, and my brother humbly limped back to his bedroom to consider his atonement.

Needless to say, we had some serious rules growing up about appropriate and inappropriate language.

So I've got a question for all you moms out there. The first time you heard your kid swear, did you lather their mouth with lye? Whip them with a leather belt? Drop some Tabasco sauce on their tongue? Did you cringe?

I cringed. A little bit.

But I refrained from punishing too harshly, because I was that mom. The one who when they were little, would not allow them to say butt, stupid and yes, even fart. Instead we used bottom, uninformed, and toot.

Until one day, my kids hollered at me for being so strict. Aghast, I retaliated. "I'm not strict. I allow you one popsicle a day and let you stay up until 8:00. You can even have a snack after school before you start your homework! Nope - you've got it wrong, kids. I'm not strict at all."

"But we can't say butt!"
"You don't need to say butt."
"Yes we do! All the other kids make fun of us because we can't say butt, stupid, or fart!"

I smiled. How was it that my kids willingly obeyed me, without a gullet full of toxic soap or corporal punishment? Reluctantly I saw their point, and decided they were old enough to dabble in the liberating world of cussing, especially when it came to harmless descriptions of the derriere. Unwilling to acquiesce on stupid because I still think it's unkind when referring to other people, I caved on the other two. "Fine. From here on out, say butt and fart as much as you want."

Utter disbelief passed from their eyes down to their tiny, upturned smiles.

"For real? We can say it? And you won't ground us?"

Still unconvinced, I demonstrated. "Stick out that healthy butt and FART!" I shouted as I demonstrated in the foyer.

Those kids acted like it was a notch below Christmas Day. They ran around the house and talked about each other's bungholes and gas emissions for days.

Fast forward a few years, and we found ourselves at the cabin on a dreaded Sunday, late in the morning, the witching hour in full gear as we tried to clean up, close up, and get out of there so we could arrive home at a decent hour. Both kids were highly unresponsive despite multiple requests to put their clothes away. Finally, I lost it. "YOU TWO ARE ACTING LIKE SELFISH LITTLE ASSHOLES! GET OFF YOUR BUTTS NOW AND PUT THESE CLOTHES AWAY BEFORE I TOTALLY LOSE MY SHIT!"

Not one of my shining moments as Mother. I never swore directly at them until that point, but they were old enough to hear it and the edge of insanity that rode shotgun.

It reminded me of a leader I had the privilege of working with at both MCI and ATT. Always two levels above me in the pecking order, I had the utmost respect for him as both a person and as a consummate sales professional.

Mr. Even-Keeled never swore. Ever. But when WorldCom bought MCI unexpectedly, leaving us all in a state of shock and uncertainty, he delivered one of the most professional, heartfelt speeches I've ever heard. He ended the speech with something like, "This is such fucking bullshit I can hardly get my head around it," immediately gaining even more respect from every person in that room. He said exactly what we all were feeling, and it resonated deeply. The other time an internal group wouldn't deliver on a promise to a client, so he joined me on a conference call to help push the request through. I remember sitting on my friend Michele's bed in her first house just before her wedding to take the call. He hollered to the uncooperative people on the phone: "You are going to make this work. Let me repeat: Make this fucking happen for Jen."

They completed my request less than a week later, ahead of schedule. Those two instances combined with my parents' no-nonsense approach taught me much: When someone who normally keeps their cool loses their shit, it's impactful. People listen. They try to do better. And it's a philosophy that stuck with me forever.

So back to my kids. Sobbing, and surely feeling like their mother stabbed their souls right out of them, they snapped to attention and put their stinking clothes away. We left the cabin, and I apologized to them for calling them assholes on the way home. But I didn't apologize for screaming in anger. Because sometimes you need to show extreme emotion in order to gain attention - from both children and adults.

Fast forward a few years, and we were all sitting at the campfire. Again, my kids complained because we didn't allow them to swear. I told them they don't have to - there are far more intelligent ways to express themselves than with swear words, it's really not nice, cussing makes a person seem uglier as soon as they open their mouths, and some adults form poor opinions of kids who swear. They harped and complained so much that suddenly an idea popped into my head.

"As we sit around this campfire, I will allow you both to use as many swear words as you want. However, they must be used in a single sentence, correctly. Don't just say five swear words together if it doesn't make sense. So think long and hard about that sentence you want to share."

Those little faces with the cogs spinning while they dreamed up compound sentences to cram 50 swear words into? Freaking priceless.

I can't remember what they said, but I do recall their words being grammatically correct, making us all laugh hysterically. They spoke in tiny, unconfident voices, thinking they'd still get in trouble for using words like "fuck" and "bitch." At that point I realized something. Someday, I would  have to allow these kids to say whatever they want, uncensored, and with confidence. They needed to understand my philosophy on swearing, one that I tried to employ for years myself. I may have even allowed them to come up with a few more sentences, with the understanding that it was campfire talk only, and was not allowed to leave that circle.

Now as a teenager and twenty-year-old, I only occasionally cringe when my kids swear. I did plenty when they started swearing at about 15 or 16 - the age when I allowed them to say nearly anything. I reminded them often that the less you cuss, the more intelligent you seem, and when you reserve it for the most critical / emotional / passionate times in your life, people will snap-to with attention, and your words will be more impactful.

My close friends out there? Yeah, I know you're rolling your eyes and calling bullshit. Because you hang with me when we have a couple of cocktails and we never judge one another when the f-bombs fly.

Here's a funny - when I started working out, I swore all the time, but mostly under my breath so nobody heard and judged me. Do a plank? Fuck you. Run up that hill? Bullshit. Drop and give you 20 pushups? Suck a bag of dicks. Run to the tree? You're an asshole. Run to the tree with my bell? I hate you, you fucking asshole.

Those were extreme times, and fully warranted the foul language, otherwise I'm really not sure I would have made it through. And now? I reserve the bad language for the planking pandemonium he puts us through. Sometimes I declare "This is really mean," but that's as nasty as I get.

Normally I just say, "I love you, Tim," and laugh. Or slip up and swear a bit when I get the movement wrong or we're on the 75th burpee. Again, extremes call for some questionable language.

So now that my soul's laid bare on swearing, I'm curious. Do you swear? How do you or have you handled it with your kids? Does anyone have any great swearing stories? Do tell!


Thursday, November 2, 2017

Ziggy's Big Adventure

Let me begin by introducing myself. I'm Ziggy.
For several years now, I've called Der Tiergarten my home. That's "animal garden" in German, in case you wondered, and it's where my humans put their feet up on my back when they sit in that old chair in the corner all the dad gummed time. I don't mind - it's a nice little back massage.

A few weekends ago I met Clover, Petal, Princess Areola (yeah, that's right), Blaze, Coriander, Raven, and Douchwa Gina (long i - for real). They arrived in batches, three at a time. Thursday night they all gathered 'round by candlelight and ate some crazy good smelling food and drank wine. One of those nutty gals kept kicking her leg in the air hollering, "I'm Fifty. AND I CAN KICK!" while the others giggled and drank more wine. They played funny videos on TV, concluded that modern-day Mark Whalberg is better than the Marky Mark version, and decided that Justin Timberlake really is all that. All the while they massaged my back. Heavenly doesn't begin to describe it.

Then next day they lounged for quite awhile - far longer than when those boys are around and out the door to go fishing right after breakfast. Nope - the ladies have coffee on the deck, then more coffee, then breakfast, then more coffee. They finally leave mid-day, to go do cool things like see a cranberry harvest.
So many berries!
Oh - and the girls giggled a bit about this one when they returned. Something about a shirtless man? Zoom in, people. Zoom in.
Meet Harold.
They tell me that he's 94 and guides the tours over there at Lake Nokomis all season. I wanna look like that when I'm 94, but just with a little more hair and oomph around the middle.

That crazy Douchwa Gina practiced her kick with a Coriander assist...
...then they continued their tour and and came back late in the afternoon. Batch #2 finally arrived, and I could tell the party was on!

For awhile on Friday evening they left me alone in the cabin, but popped in one or two at a time to refill their glasses, chat, or grab a bite to eat before heading back outside. From my vantage point I spied a campfire outside, heard lots of hoots and hollers, then a gargantuan BANG from the neighbor's house that almost tipped me right over on my side, followed by more squeals and shouts by the campfire.

Yep - our crazy neighbors were at it again. They shot their cannon once for that nutty group of flower children invading my cabin, and another for the other neighbor boy home from basic training in the Navy.

Much too early, all the ladies came rushing inside. The ringleader, my human mama named Petal, told everyone to grab a coat. She held a couple of blankets, and they all started shouting at once. "Do we need IDs? Wallets? Cash? WHERE ARE WE GOING?"

"It's a surprise," mama insisted. They wanted to know all day long what the surprise entailed, but she was not giving it up. "We will be outside and there is no campfire at our destination, so put a hat and gloves on if you think you'll be chilly." With that, she turned on her heel and walked out the door.

SIGH. I always get left behind around here. I usually figure out what happened with the storytelling when they return, but for once I'd like to get outta here too, you know? Suddenly Douchwa Gina picked me up and swung me around. "THE BEAR IS GOING WITH US!"
"Yes yes!" they all agreed. "He'll protect us!" And my heart leapt into my throat with excitement and anticipation. I haven't been out of this cabin for a good ten years. I couldn't wait to see where the surprise destination took us!

Princess Areola drove, as she only had one glass of wine for the evening. Mama Petal sat up front with her to provide directions, and I gotta admit - fear started bubbling up when we turned into the mystery driveway and all the other flower powers started protesting. "No way. Nope - I ain't doin' it. No sir. I AM NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS CAR!"
But Mama wasn't having it. "Get out!" she demanded. "We're stargazing, and this cemetery is the best place to see all the sky. There's some lush grass over here and the car blocks all the headstones in the distance. Trust me."

Reluctantly we all piled out, and Douchwa Gina clutched me even closer to her chest. Petal told us to all be quiet so we didn't disturb the neighbors nearby. As she squatted down to the blanket and laid her head back, Clover shared her true feelings, "Petal, I have never been more out of my comfort zone than I am right now." Later Mama told me it was the best thing she heard all weekend, because she believes that some of the best and most memorable moments come from doing what's uncomfortable.

Who knew you could have a party among the dead? It was great fun. After an hour or so we ventured back home and everyone settled in for the night. Blaze took FOREVER with her beauty regimen, and all the other flowers made fun of her. Before long all were asleep, and I sat in front of my chair with a giant grin on my face, having ended the best day of my life.

Saturday morning arrived with yet another promise of a great day, and the girls sipped coffee and mimosas on the deck. Just before they all geared up to leave, Douchwa Gina carried me to a back bedroom and connived with Princess Areola. She came out to show the others what they were up to.
We joined back to back! I love their silly. It's so much fun. But the even greater thing happened next - THEY TOOK ME WITH THEM AGAIN!
We drove a lot longer this time, but I didn't care because my head couldn't swivel fast enough to take it all in. We finally arrived to the hiking trail in the woods. Being back in my home element felt groovy and so comforting.

Everyone took turns carrying me. Douchwa Gina started off, but she quickly tired. She may be fifty and can kick but she needs a new back. Princess Areola hoisted me high.
And Blaze strapped me up.
Clover performed my favorite move - she bear crawled up a hill with me!
Raven so cute in her pink held her walking stick and that mystery cup that accompanied her everywhere all weekend while she gave me the ultimate back massage.
Mama planked with me.
Princess Areola climbed a tree with me - another favorite pastime I haven't played in so long!
Coriander snuggled me and told me it'd be ok after I encountered the wet nose of a Golden Retriever.
His owner calls her "Golden Keeper" because she always keeps the stick.
My favorite part of the hike? WINE STOP by the lake. I love seeing the girls totally loose without a care in the world, being 100% in the moment.
We all laughed and smiled, sipped some wine and wondered at the ravens squawking above while we nibbled on some snacks and played with deer poop.
The things these ladies say...they'll either make you shudder or bust a gut. It all depends on your frame of mind, and your willingness to tolerate utter nonsense.
Uh...I think I had too much wine and a few too many cheetos. 
And what's that pink brassiere doing on me? Those silly girls.
They done gone wild.

After our hike we did some more crawling, which is my favorite. But this time we crawled to a few local drinking establishments. First stop - Northern Waters Distillery. Mama Petal loves Peter and Lisa who run the joint, but they were out having their own fun. The sweet young man they left behind poured us some samples, enjoyed our antics, and even took a picture for us, dutifully noting they have a very small (ahem) bench in the store.
By now Princess Areola donned a mask. Don't worry - things got even stranger as the evening progressed.
Next stop for the beer lovers in the group - Rocky Reef Brewery. This cool place makes beers like Musky Bite and Staycation and my favorite - The Outhouse. Der Tiergarten could use one of those on a weekend when those girls descend. Phewwie! Our resident beer connoisseur, the very own Blaze herself, donned the princess mask for her favorite bevvies.
Our next destination took us back to the island of Minocqua and The Vine - one of Mama Petal's favorite spots. Clover took over on mask duty, and she snuggled me up right away on the chaise lounge.
The girls ripped loose with a few bottles of wine. Douchwa Gina channeled her inner Jackie O just like she always does.
Mama Petal broke up the party and told us all to meet her outside. She ran next door and got a couple of pizzas to go, but man do flower children take a long time in the bathroom! She snarfed down pizza out on the sidewalk with Douchwa Gina and Raven while they waited, and waited, and waited...

Finally Douchwa and Raven went inside to corral the buffoons. Everyone piled back into the car and we wound around a dark, tree-lined road to our final destination of the evening - the Little Brown Jug! Everyone in the bar hurrahed when we entered. I made immediate friends with random dudes.
Blaze and I bonded over another beer.
And Mama Petal finally wore the mask. Look at her go - turns out I love belly massages just as much as I do back massages!
We met another group of flowers on their own girls weekend and joined forces for a while. They rocked! Mama Petal dropped her phone and shattered her glass while chatting them up. She is forever grateful to the girl who gave her the protective cover off her own phone to protect Mama's fingers from glass razors. Now that is a woman who's got another's back.

Clover found herself a new man.
And Coriander donned the mask with a sweet smile.
Oh, and that board? I guess you could call it a vision board, of sorts. It has all kinds of visions that bring back giggles and hysterical memories on every one of these trips. Even if the girls didn't join in on the fun, they look at quotes from years past and listen to the stories. Then they run out and create their own. Problem is that sometimes they forget the quotes, so bringing the board along eliminated that issue, and every funny antic made it to the board this year.

For the worry warts out there - you can all breathe easy. Mama Petal designated herself as chauffeur for the day, and she drank very little so everyone else could get raucous. All the flowers remained safe and arrived back to the cabin in one piece after belting out a little "Just a small town girl!" on the way home. They continued to snuggle and love on me and pass me around until we safely arrived back in our cozy cabin.

And that, my friends, is a wrap. I can assure you that everyone left rejuvenated, constantly smiling and laughing from all the silliness and good clean fun. Acting like a kid again is so exhilarating. So next time you stop at a gas station and a great song comes on just as you're pulling in?

Jump out and jam for a minute. Invite the gas station attendant to join you. Bring your stuffed woobie along. Let him salute his spirit brother.
And have a party in the USA, man.